why are you posting that insta story?
instagram stories are warping our perceptions of love.
“he liked my story!!”
there is so much talk everywhere right now about how social media is killing romance. read Love is Worth Believing In by the publication GIRLS for a more comprehensive (and hopeful) take on the topic. but I feel like there’s a primary aspect of all of this that no one seems to zero in on- how stories on Instagram is changing the way we approach romance.
before, if you liked someone, you had no choice but to tell them in person. in the olden days, maybe you’d send a letter. or if you were based in a country like India, tell your parents and yearn for their approval. then we got the sudden privilege of phone calls… except you’d have to be home to hear the voice of a lover. then came the wireless phone… you could call them on a bus, at a club or even in class.
didn’t we all think the line of communication would halt at texting or emailing? you should think the speed would suffice; its fast, you can communicate anything without seeing each other face to face. in all honesty, it’s a romantic coward’s DREAM.
but no. meta cursed us all with the story-like feature.
likes on Instagram have been there since its conception. after all, why post something if not to garner validation and watch the like count go up? however, likes on Instagram posts apparently weren’t enough. i suppose it wasn’t intimate enough for us. introducing, the story-like.
they are different. they are bold. they are seductive. they are an invitation. and they’re also a hopeless excuse to avoid the daring prospect of texting someone you like. but most of all, they’re killing romance.
you see it in the conversations of every teenager these days. we’re so desperately eager to remind them that we exist: be it with a hot thirstrap, or a screenshot of a song from their favourite artist. girl, he is not swiping up just because you’re pretending to like that underground metal band that he raves about (which actually completely sucks).
i suppose this topic has become highly pertinent to me because it’s halloween/halloweekend season again. cue the tiktoks and posts of girls proclaiming that all their exes will come back when they see them post in sexy costumes. but is that what you deserve? for a guy to want you back, and only understand your worth, when you’re lipsyncing to a 2000s song in an amazon corset and lingerie?
when did we become so tame? when did even TEXTING someone become a high-stakes ordeal? why is it shameful for a woman to text first, to be ‘eager’ and ‘needy’ and ‘desperate’ and ‘clingy’? social media was once a gift: it allowed us to connect so quickly, to bond so well. how has it increased the distance? with every new update and advancement in communication technology, we dummify the once romantic game of love.
i admit this is a pessimistic take. i’m certainly not arguing that love no longer exists, and we live in a dystopian world where story likes are the highest exhibit of admiration. i believe wholeheartedly that we do, in fact, “accept the love we think we deserve”.
for instance, i am the biggest romantic. my best friend, opal, receives all my sappy, yearny, melodramatic poetry. i write journal entries on entries on entries of those i love. i’ve written over 30 poems about a guy i dated for a month (his vicious head rears again in a substack post of mine). i believe that when we love someone, it’s our responsibility to show it in the way that feels most genuine. which is why i’m disappointed that i’ve fallen prey to the commodification of flirting on social media. because it proves that I think this is what I deserve: a soulless, fleeting like on a story that is impermanent, that is a reminder that I exist. because we don’t truly exist on our apps. we exist in our laughs, our smiles, our penchant for passion. we exist in our connections with friends, in our careers, in our hobbies and clothing. we exist in everything intangible and everything in between.
i feel shame every time i post something just to be perceived by one individual, when i catch myself liking a guy’s story to show him i’m ‘into it’ instead of just texting him and saying it. or when i remain in ‘textuationships’ for ages, falling prey to yet another useless process created by our generation, “the talking stage”, instead of just meeting them in real life, rather than the simulated social media space.
can we all take an oath to be better? i’m going to stop posting things for the sole purpose of male validation (first day sober). i’ll even take him off my close friends list. we deserve to be perceived in ways larger than the red, glistening, like. we deserve to be fed with the love we’ve dreamt of all our lives.
free yourself from the shackles of thinking a blue-light confession, one so insignificant as a story like, is proof of love. remove them. delete them. block them. make it all go away,
and see how you flourish.
every day I come on substack and am given another reason to delete Instagram forever. your thoughts here are so good, I was JUST talking to a close friend yesterday about how love in the past used to be so much purer, that we wish we still wrote letters and made phone calls, that we could just show up at someone's house (without seeming like a creep).
I love this post! You articulate so well that we are more than the thirst traps we post online. I've learned if a guy only likes your story when you post yourself, he primarily only has lustful feelings towards you - even if you just posted a selfie. And usually the types that like your story and never message, or barely reply if you message them, are liking a lot of other girls' stories. It's not to say you can't genuinely connect with someone online, but you have to carefully vet them to make sure they don't only want "one thing" unless of course you only want a casual relationship with them.